What Witches Want
by The Unicorn Whisperer
Summary: What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after being cleared? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his man's man rep. is coming back to haunt him. And like all men he's asking,what do women want? He's abou
1. Life Sucks!

A/N: I know I should be working on the Forgotten Friend, and the Emerald Eye, but when the muse calls I have to answer. What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after obtaining freedom? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his old reputation as a man's man is coming back to haunt him, his boss is driving him crazy, and to top it all off he has a fifteen-year-old godson who's dating an eighteen-year-old girl. And like all men, he is asking himself, "What do women want?" He is about to find out.

  
  


**Chapter 1: Life Sucks!**

We all know a man's man, the kind of guy other guys look up to, the kind of guy that is totally oblivious to what women really want. The king of the man's men was Sirius Black. He had women falling at his feet, and a new girlfriend every week, every man wanted to be like him, that is until something very unfortunate happened. He was wrongly accused of killing his best friends, and working for Voldemort, and spent twelve years in Azkaban. After escaping Azkaban, and obtaining freedom, he really wanted to work on getting his life back together, and that is where our story begins.

A man with tousled black hair was lying in bed sleeping peacefully. This man was Sirius Black. As I was saying, he was sleeping when his alarm went off, rather loudly.

_Time to rise, and shine, _it sang.__

_ Don't groan, and whine_

_ You can't sleep all day like some jerk _

_ When it's so much better to go to work_

"Says who?" Sirius groaned, hitting the snooze button. It went back on.

_ Please don't hit the snooze_

_ It's not my fault you had all those boozes _

"For your information, I didn't drink anything last night!" Sirius snapped, praying that his godson didn't hear that. Sirius wasn't an alcoholic, but he did like a drink every once in awhile.

_All you have to do is wake up_

_ And I'll shut up_

"Okay, okay, I'm up," Sirius said. 

_Good Morning!_

"That's what you think," Sirius glared at the clock, while getting dressed. "You couldn't tell me where Harry is?"

"_Bed!"_

"Don't wake him up," Sirius warned, that clock had a mind of its own it could wake up all of England if it wanted. He scribbled a note, ****

** Harry-**

** Left for work, didn't want to wake you, clean your room please, it's a mess! See you tonight. - Sirius**

** P.S.: DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE**__

"The rat race awaits,"Sirius apparated out of the house.

* * * * *

"Morning Sirius!"

"Now that I've seen you that I've seen you the day is so much brighter," Sirius grinned, waving to Amy.

"Thank you!"

"Welcome," Sirius said as he passed the plump secretary, who was about to bite into a bear-claw. "I wouldn't do that if I was you," he warned her. She gave him an annoyed look.

"Good Morning, Mr. Black!" Danielle MacGregor said cheerfully. She was medium height, with highlighted black hair, she was also Sirius's assistant.

"What's so good about the morning?" Sirius asked. "I like the night better, don't you?"

"You're such a flirt!" She giggled. "You have an Aurors's meeting at ten, a luncheon at twelve, here's your mail, and Mr. Dinwiddle wants to speak to you first thing, and if you need anything just call."

"Thanks Danny," Sirius waved somewhere in her direction, hurrying to his boss's office.

"Morning Siri," several women called after him.

"Morning girls," Sirius called back, when a blond women walked pass. "Hello, I'm Sirius, who are you?"

"Darcy," the blond answered checking Sirius out, her eyes favoring the leather jacket, and muscles. He was handsome.

"That's a sexy name, you know," Sirius said in a charming voice.

"So is Sirius," Darcy flirted back. "Sirius what though?"

"Black."

Darcy recoiled, the Sirius Black? She, like many people still thought Sirius was guilty, and didn't want to change her tiny mind. "Oh, I have to go, and change my hair color, nice meeting you, bye." She scampered off. 

"Change my hair color' that's the lamest excuse I've heard yet," Sirius muttered, stamping into Mr. Dinwiddle's office. "I'm innocent for God's sake! I'm not the plague!"

"I never said you were."

"Hey Moony," Sirius acknowledged his friend. "Do you know what we're here for?"

"I think you're getting a promotion,"Remus said thoughtfully.

"I didn't know I was up for one, but . . ."

"You're on time, Black," Mr. Dinwiddle said entering the room, his assistant behind him. "Get me the Douglas report, Hudson's last mission, and some club soda, I spilt something on this tie, no, forget that, get me a new tie." The assistant ran off to do the errands. "Good Morning gentlemen." Sirius groaned at this, Dinwiddle continued, "You both know, Rave Dixon, I trust." Remus, and Sirius both nodded, she was an Auror on their team with an attitude. "Well she is now your team captain."

"What!?" Remus, and Sirius exploded. They couldn't stand Rave, and Rave would have rather ate a decomposed rat, then spend a day with them.

"Sir, are you sure about this?" Remus asked.

"You heard me, I was going to pick Black for the job, but he has a godson, and captains can't have any delays," Dinwiddle said as if Sirius wasn't in the room.

"Harry isn't a delay, he can take care of himself, and . . ." Sirius stammered, aghast. 

"My mind is made up, you two will help her if she needs any, you can go," Dinwiddle said while picking out a new tie from the ones his assistant brought up. "Black wait a moment."

"Yes sir." Remus gave Sirius a sympatric look, as he left.

"You do know that I really did want you to be captain, but Harry . . . well . . . you know," Dinwiddle loosened his tie, nervously. "He needs his godfather, around, and he is also a weakness for you, and Rave doesn't have any family, or weakness, or anything."

"I understand."

"Good, I'll see you at the meeting then,"Dinwiddle said cheerfully.

"Yes sir," Sirius said, about to leave.

"And be on time."

"Yes sir," Sirius left the office. _Harry's a weakness to you, he needs his godfather around, why didn't he just say I don't trust you. Women avoid me if I tell them my last name. To quote Harry, "My life sucks!" _

******

Rave Dixon couldn't stand Sirius Black, he was a total man's man, and now she was her team's captain, she finally had control, the only bad part was Sirius Black was on her team. "Let's get a few things straight, I'm your boss, and what I say goes."

"Yes mam," Sirius snapped out a salute, the room burst out into laughter.

"Thank you, Black," Rave snapped.

"You're wel . . . Ouch!" Sirius rubbed his arm furiously, little red, itchy dots had broken out all over it. 

"Here's some ointment for that, and don't insult me again," Rave chucked a bottle at Black's face, sadly he caught it. "Now there is one detail that this department that has come to my attention, we are terrible at catching female Death Eaters." The rest of the team began to protest. "It's true, we all think men, and women think alike during a duel, but that is not true, men are all for shooting out curses as fast as humanly possible, but women use strategies, and strategies win duels, the opposition loses as Mr. Black has just shown us." She handed out booklets. "For tomorrow I want all of you to think of a way a women would deflect or beat one, two, or even all of these strategies if the spells were to be shot out in that order, that is all." As the room began to clear Rave added. "Mr. Black, your's will be first tomorrow so I hope you can come up with something good, and not have too many shall I say 'delays' tonight."

"Yes captain." _My life sucks!_

********************************************************************************

A/n: So what do you think? Sirius as a man's man? Kinda fits him, doesn't? I believe that Sirius didn't have a wife, or a fiancé, or even a steady girlfriend because wouldn't it make sense for him to go to his wife/fiancé/steady girlfriend first after he escaped from Azkaban before he went to find Harry? Wouldn't the wife/fiance/steady girlfriend be more prone to believe him then a teenage boy who believes Sirius killed his parents? Don't flame me for this belief, it's just an idea about Sirius's past. What do you think of the fic? Read, and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own HP the goddess JKR does, I don't own What Women Want which this fic is based on Paramount does, but I do own the singing alarm clock, Amy, the plump secretary, Darcy, Danielle, Mr. Dinwiddle, and Rave Dixon, anything you don't recognize. 


	2. The Accident

What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after obtaining freedom? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his old reputation as a man's man is coming back to haunt him, his boss is driving him crazy, and to top it all off he has a fifteen-year-old godson who's dating an eighteen-year-old girl. And like all men, he is asking himself, "What do women want?" He is about to find out.

  
  


**Chapter 2: The Accident**

  
  


"Hey Sirius," Harry grinned as Sirius apparated in the living room. 

"Hey Harry," Sirius said glumly, watching Harry carefully. _He's my weakness? I can't tell him about today, or at least why Rave got appointed captain. He'll hate himself, then I'll hate myself, and it will snowball into this whole big thing._

"Hard day?" Harry asked.

"No. Not really, just . . . it sucked," Sirius laughed at himself. "Totally sucked."

"Why?" Harry said curiously, Sirius usually didn't use slang around him. 

"You know Rave Dixon, right?"

"She hates your guts, right?"

"Understatement, she was made my team's captain, and," Sirius explained. "It's going to be worse the getting a route canal."

"I feel for you, Moony told me about her Auror career, she lives by the phrase, 'no mercy,'" Harry said. "What happened to your arm?"

"Demonstration curse."

"Rave Dixon did it?"

"Right, I hope that this doesn't sound like I'm trying to get rid of you, but could you stay out of the basement tonight, for work reasons?"

"I guess," Harry said. He knew that Sirius used the basement for a gym/ place where he could work on dueling.

"Thanks."

"But, why, though?" Sirius usually let him hang around while he practiced, something was up.

"Because I'm going to be practicing some new curses, and I'm not sure what will happen, and . . ."

"You don't want me to get hurt," Harry finished up for him.

"Exactly, see you later," Sirius headed down to the basement. 

*******

5 hours later . . .

"Think like a women, think like a women," Sirius said hitting himself in the head with the booklet. _Maybe I should ask Harry if he wants dinner, no he probably ate already. _"Okay, I need to concentrate, I need to, I need to change the background music, heavy metal isn't very feminine. What do women listen to?" After a few minutes of pondering. "HARRY!"

"What!?" Harry shouted back.

"What's Hermione's number?"

"855-6754!"

"Thank you!"

"Welcome!"

"855-6754," Sirius said as he dialed the number.

"Hello?" 

"Hermione?"

"Yes, who is this?" Hermione asked.

"Sirius, what is your favorite radio station?" Sirius wrote down the station. "And a lot of girls listen to this station, right? Yes? Good! Thanks Hermione, bye!"

Ten minutes later, while listening to Hermione's favorite radio station, Sirius was still getting nowhere. 

"Okay, I should try some of the spells, pick a spell, there are ten thousand spells in here,"Sirius felt a strong urge to kick the booklet. "What is the most professional way to handle this?" He closed his eyes, and randomly pointed at a spell in the booklet. _Very professional, Black! _he thought as he opened his eyes, his finger landed on Cavitious curse. It was a curse that gave its victim an unbearable tooth ache. "Ouch!" Sirius cringed. "How would a women block that curse? Conjure a good dentist? No, with all the drilling, and crap flying around, it would take too long. What time is it? 3:45! I'll do this in the morning." With that Sirius grabbed the booklet, and headed up stairs. 

The lights were on in the living room, TV blaring, Harry asleep on the couch. Sirius smiled slightly as he layed a blanket over Harry, he looked so innocent when he was sleeping. Turning the TV, and lights off, Sirius headed to bed. __

_ You have mail! _the alarm clock said.

"Oh really," Sirius picked up the three letters. "Early morning meeting canceled, good, I can sleep late. Early morning meeting back on, the orders of Rave Dixon, damn that women! And an S.W.A.K for . . . Harry? Who's he dating? A girl who uses tacky perfume, obviously."

_"An eighteen-year-old girl!"_

"What?! How do you know that?"

_"I over heard them talking through the fireplace, so are you going to read it?"_

"Of course I'm not, unlike you I respect his privacy,"Sirius scowled at the letter. _I'll give it to Harry in the morning, now I'm going to bed._

_ "You're not taking a shower, or even washing your face? Look at your arm!"_

"If it will keep you quiet, I'll do it," Sirius looked longingly at the bed, before trudging toward the bathroom.

"How can Harry be dating an eighteen-year-old girl? What's the big deal? I dated 18 year old girls when I was fifteen, oh, no," Sirius said, drying his hair, and knocking the soap out of the dish. "This couldn't be any worse, no, wait, it could be, Dixon could be related to me!" Sirius layed the still on hair dyer on the side of the tub. "What do women want? Sensitive feminine strategies, my . . . AHH!" He slipped on the soap, fell backwards into the half full bathtub, and his foot was half a centimeter from knocking the hair dyer in with him. Sirius eyes widened, "Oh God, that is so dangerous." Very carefully he got to his feet, testing his footing, took one foot out of the water and stepped safely on the bathroom floor, and as he was about to take his other foot out of the tub his knee knocked the hair dryer into the water. "NO!" He electrocuted himself, fell face first on the floor, totally blacked out.

***************

Thanks to my reviewers: ~* Shades of the Sea*~, Erin, Lily of Ravenclaw,Erin, Lunamew, Starlett Spellman, Lily Vance, and Sphinx! You guys rule! Chapter 3 may be out later today! 

Disclaimer: list of things I don't own- Harry Potter, Sirius Black, or anything related to the Harry Potter series J. K. Rowling does, What Women Want which this story is based on belongs to Paramount, a house, and a life. Things I do own- Rave Dixon, the singing, and talking alarm clock, the hair dryer, and anything you don't recognize. I made Hermione's phone number up, sorry if it's a real number.

And see that little box down there, please write something in it, so I can know if you like my idea! 

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	3. The Gift

A/N: Okay, I have a little warning for all those that have or haven't seen the movie _What Women Want_, which this fic is based on, I intend to stay as true to the movie's plot as I can, ( I will cut a few things out, though) during this whole story, yes, there is swearing, so you have been warned.

What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after obtaining freedom? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his old reputation as a man's man is coming back to haunt him, his boss is driving him crazy, and to top it all off he has a fifteen-year-old godson who's dating an eighteen-year-old girl. And like all men, he is asking himself, "What do women want?" He is about to find out.

  
  


**Chapter 3: The Gift**

  
  


"Sirius, wake up! Oh, come on, wake up! Please don't be dead**, **don't be dead!" 

Sirius opened his eyes to see a pair of green eyes staring at him, "Ahh! Harry, don't do that, you almost gave me a heart attack!" 

"You're not dead!" Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius sat up, he was totally lost.

"The hair dyer was in the water, and you were on the floor, I thought . . ."

"Oh, I'm okay, Harry, sorry I scared you," Sirius put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder, the boy still looked shook up. "I'm fine, really, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good, nice hair by the way," Harry gestured at his godfather's hair.

Sirius looked at his reflection in the mirror, his hair was sticking straight up, "Might be the new style, but I wouldn't be talking if I were you."

"Don't you have some work to get to?" Harry asked meaningfully, trying to flatten his hair.

"Yeah, um . . . listen if you're not totally okay, I can stay home if you like, or maybe . . ."

"I'm fine, really," Harry stood up, and left the room.

"Teenagers," Sirius muttered trying to fix his hair so it would look wind swept, not as though it had been caught in a weed whacker. _Maybe Dinwiddle was right, Harry was really shook up, well I admit one thing I won't be electrocuting myself again anytime soon, one, I'd probably give Harry a heart attack, and two, it completely messes up my hair. _

*********

Just for a change of pace Sirius decided to apparate a few blocks away from work, (hoping his hair might flatten a bit more.) A woman jogging, raced past, _if I lose one pound every ten blocks, then if I ran twenty blocks every other day . . ._

Sirius doubled back, "Did she just say something?" He shook his head, and kept walking. 

A teenage girl passed him thinking, _one kiss doesn't make a lesbian, does it?_

Sirius gave her a funny look, then an older man walking his French poodle went by.

_Master. I need to poop! _

"Ahh!" Sirius edged away from the poodle, then he jerked his head up to see at least 50 women running in a marathon came running toward him. "NO!"

_My husband is cheating on me . . ._

_ I wish my boyfriend would take it to the next level . . ._

_ I haven't had sex in three months . . ._

"AHH!" Sirius sprinted through the crowd, covering his ears. He didn't stop running until he reached the wall that hid Auror headquarters from the rest of the Muggle world. 

"State your name, team, and rank!" a brick within the wall whispered.

"Sirius Black, Ravens, and dueling expert!" Sirius whispered back.

"Thumb, and wand print!" the wall demanded. Sirius placed his thumb on a spot on the brick, and tapped it with his wand. "Access allowed." Sirius stepped through the wall.

"Morning Floo," Sirius said to the receptionist.

"Morning Mr. Black," Floo smiled. _Good morning my little sweet a**!_

Sirius hit himself in the forehead.

Amy walked toward him, _don't look up, don't look up, he'll just tell me another dumb joke._ She smiled, and walked passed.

He scowled, and passed the plump secretary, _oh, like you have the perfect body?_

"This is getting bad," Sirius groaned.

_Sheesh! Lighten up on the after shave, buddy, _an attorney walked in front of him.

"Good morning Mr. Black!" Danielle said in her cheerful voice. Sirius jumped back, but then shrugged. "You have a meeting a 10:30, training at 3:00, Mr. Lupin is waiting for you in your office, and here are those files you wanted."

"That's it? No other thoughts?" Sirius scowled again.

"No," Danielle frowned. _Do you realize I have an Ivy league education, and running your stupid errands has put me into therapy?_ Sirius's jaw dropped. _Why don't you forget this trivial stuff, and give me some real work to do? _She smiled pleasantly. _Oh! I remember why, **because I have a vagina!** _"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No . . . thank you," Sirius shuddered, _Where's Moony?_

_*********_

"Moony! I need your help because I think I might kill myself," Sirius stamped into his office. Remus was sitting in one of the chairs, looking very bewildered.

"Oh, Mr. Black, before I forget here are those numbers," Danielle handed Sirius three sheets of paper. "And by the way your hair looks really good today, sir." _And it's okay that I only get payed minium wage because I just used the company phone to call my boyfriend in Israel, _she smiled. _For an hour._ Then left.

"Did you just hear that?" Sirius asked, faintly.

"'Your hair looks really good today' so what? I know you're a little obsessed with your hair, but . . ."

"No! Not that, the thing she was thinking thing, you know, about the boyfriend in Israel?" 

"What's the matter, Sirius? Is Harry okay?" Remus was now thoroughly concerned. 

"Harry's fine, but I think I'm not, I better explain just incase the coroner asks, I was really tired last night, the alarm clock was bugging me about taking a shower first, I was drying my hair when I slipped, and fell in the tub, electrocuted myself, totally blacked out. And when I woke up this morning I could hear what every woman around me was thinking, even French poodles!" Sirius threw his hands skyward. "French poodles, Moony!"

"Are you telling me you know the inner most thoughts of a French poodle?" Remus raised an eyebrow, had Sirius lost whatever sanity he had left?

"If it's female!" he flopped into his chair. "Don't give me that look. I'm not crazy."

"I don't think you're crazy, I think you're insane," Remus said seriously.

"Oh, yeah, come with me," before Remus could utter another word, he found himself being dragged out of the office. "Okay, see this Healer coming toward us?" The Healer passed them. "Grr . . . she thinks we're overpaid, and Dinwiddle's gay." Remus laughed.

"Good one, Padfoot."

"Shut up! I'm serious!" 

"Of course, you're Sirius," Remus joked, but seeing the look on Padfoot's face he stopped. "We better get going, or we'll be late."

"Late for what?"

"Early morning meeting back on, by the orders of Rave Dixon," Remus did an impression of Rave's voice.

"Damn that women!"

********

_Last ones to arrive, want me to know I'm not their boss, _Rave thought as Black, and Lupin walked in. _Okay, you're stars, now sit down._

"She thinks we're late because we want her to know she's not our boss," Sirius whispered.

"I'm begging you, please, buddy, give it a rest."

"Now, that the peanut gallery has arrived, Mr. Black would you like to give us your presentation?" Dixon tapped her foot on the tiled floor, as she watched Sirius's face go from complete confusion to horrified realization. "Mr. Black, if you please."

Sirius got to his feet, contemplating the idea of running out of the room, or jumping out of the window. "Well, I thought mostly about how a woman would block the er . . . Cavitious Curse! And the first thing I thought was that maybe she could conjure a good dentist!" He grinned sheepishly, everyone laughed, but Rave. There were five other women in the room besides Rave, and everyone of them thought the same exact thing while laughing: _What an ass hole!_

And as for Rave, _I should have asked for more money!_

Sirius buried his face in his hands.

*******************************

Sirius dragged himself into the house, the day didn't get any better later on, and all he wanted to do was sleep, but all the lights were out, and music was blasting from the living room. Curiously, he flicked the lights on to see some blonde girl making out with Harry on the floor.

"Ahh!"

Harry, and the blonde girl stopped making out, to see a very shocked Sirius Black. "Sirius, I can explain!" Harry said jumping to his feet.

"Harry, I don't want explanations! What do you think you're doing? Who's she?" Sirius had went from shocked to furious in a matter of moments.

"Er. . . she's my girlfriend, Carmen."

"Harry, who is he?" the blonde girl, Carmen, said. _How hideous my boyfriend feeling me up in front of his godfather._

"He's my godfather," Harry explained.

"Hey! I'll ask the question here, babe," Sirius snapped. 

_What an ass hole!_

" Another one! How old are you?" Sirius growled, barely keeping his temper. 

"I just turned eighteen," Carmen said, twisting her hair. _Where's my bra?_ Sirius kicked the lacy black bra over to the girl. 

"Well, he's fifteen, he was ten, five years ago, do you get me, babe? Yeah? Good, now just get your stuff, and move on." He threw a black book bag at her, and pointed her out the door. She huffed, and left, saying good bye to Harry.

"What is your problem?" Harry shouted.

"You! What do you think you were doing?" Sirius yelled. Harry was making out, in front of him. He had always heard of this stuff on T. V., but he'd never thought Harry would do something like that. His Harry, James's son, the Harry that had saved him from the Dementors's Kiss, the Harry that looked so worried this morning that he had really hurt himself. Had just done something like that! This couldn't be happening!

"I was doing the same thing you did when you were my age!" Harry exploded, before turning on a heel, and the slamming door a few seconds later told Sirius, he was in his room. 

Sirius was stunned, Harry was right, that was the bad thing, but it was the way Harry had said it that hurt him the most. A few minutes later, he realized something, "I need serious help, I need a shrink, or maybe an exorcist. Yeah, I'll go see a shrink! Harry, I'll be right back!" He grabbed his cloak, blocked the fireplace, locked the door, and left.

*************

Dr. Janice Sigmund was sitting at her Muggle computer, surfing on Ebay, and was just about to submit a bid for the most amazing looking lamp she had ever seen, when someone fell through her roof. Not just any someone, but _the _Sirius Black. _What is he doing here? Didn't I treat him in Azkaban once? _

"Hello, Dr. Sigmund, I'm sure you don't remember me, but I'm Sirius Black, and I meet you once before while I was at Azkaban, and . . ."

"I know who you are Mr. Black," Sigmund said. _Why'd I leave the apparation wards down?_ "What do you need help with?"

"I think I'm going crazy!"Sirius layed down on the couch. 

"Well, why don't you tell me why?"

"I can hear what women think," Sirius said.

"Really? Well, that isn't so unusual . . ."

"It isn't?" Sirius was now astonished.

"Plenty of men suffer from male menopause, and . . ." 

"No!" Sirius interrupted her before she got any more weird ideas. "I can really hear what women think!"

_Why didn't I put up those apparation wards? And I was so into buying that lamp on Ebay._

"How much was it going for?"Sirius asked.

"How much was what going for?" Sigmund twisted her hair.

"The lamp, on Ebay."

Sigmund swivelled around in her seat to see the Ebay website's "Submit Bid for Beautiful Lamp" up on her screen. "Oh, that's clever, very clever."

"How about you try picking a number?" Sirius suggested.

"Okay," Sigmund bit her lip. "I'll pick a number between one, and . . ."

"One million for all I care," Sirius was getting very impatient.

"Okay . . ."

"999, 996, 97, 98," Sirius ticked the numbers off, Sigmund's jaw dropped. He turned to face her, "I think you should get your little pen, and pad."

"Okay," Sigmund said shakily. _I don't believe this! I'm a grown woman of 51 for heaven's sake!_

"Oh, I won't tell a soul," Sirius put his hand over his heart.

_Holy crap! _"Oh, excuse me, but would you find it totally unorthodox if I smoked?"

"I understand."

"Mr. Black," Sigmund said with a cigarette in her mouth. "Why would you want to get rid of such of a wonderful gift?"

"Well, for starters, every woman I know thinks I'm an ass hole."

_That's what I thought when I first met you too._

"Hey, Doc, give me break, please," Sirius pleaded.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but did you know that Fraud died asking himself one question, 'what do women want?' wouldn't it be strange, and wonderful if you were the first man to answer that question?" Sigmund said, but Sirius was still unconvinced. "Think of it this way, if men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and you spoke Venusian, you'd have power." Sirius relaxed on the couch, and smiled, contemplating this idea. "If you know what women want, you could rule!"

A smug smile appeared on Sirius's face, "I could rule!"

************

**Major thank yous to all my wonderful reviewers!**

** Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Ebay, or What Women Want which this fic is based on, but I do own everything else! **

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	4. The Ladies' Man

What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after obtaining freedom? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his old reputation as a man's man is coming back to haunt him, his boss is driving him crazy, and to top it all off he has a fifteen-year-old godson who's dating an eighteen-year-old girl. And like all men, he is asking himself, "What do women want?" He is about to find out.

*********

_ Flashback Ch.3_

_ "If you know what women want, you could rule!" _

_ ***********_

**Chapter 4: The Ladies' Man**

Harry Potter had never been more furious in his life. His godfather had to be the world's biggest jerk. Harry was adding up all the stupid things Sirius had done that day, if he had added up all the stupid things he had done that week the list would be of astronomical proportions. Harry groaned inwardly,_ Carmen will never want to speak to me again, let alone let me take her to the seventh year Christmas ball at the Three Broomsticks, just because oh high, and mighty King of Bad Timing had to see us making out._

Now, going to the seventh year Christmas ball was a big deal because very few people below in sixth year were ever invited to go, and fifth years were almost never. So at the moment Harry was the envy of everyone in fifth year. Of course everyone that was going, (it was by invitation only) needed their parents to sign the permission slips, and present them at the entrance, or they couldn't get in. _Sirius will never let me go, he probably just yell again. I could always forge his signature, but Professor McGonagall put that forging charm on this thing so forget that plan. I wonder if I could . . .oh, shit, he's home! _

"Harry? " Sirius banged on Harry's door. "Dinner's almost ready, want some?"__

_ Well, time to face the King of Bad Timing, himself. _"One minute, sir."

~~~~~~~~~

Sirius looked up from the dinner he was trying to make, in other words it was a far cry from 'almost ready.' 

"It helps if you put tenderizer on it," Harry said, even if he was mad at Sirius he didn't want to get sick from eating undercooked steak. 

"Really?" 

"Believe it or not," Harry said, his voice was dripping with sarcasm. 

"Okay, so I can't cook, and since you can, would you care to make dinner, Emeril?"

"How 'bout I teach you?"

"Are you sure I'm not beyond help?" Sirius was slowly working his way back into Harry's good graces. 

"Nah." 

While dinner was cooking, Harry took out the permission slip, and smoothed it out.

"Whatcha got there?" Sirius asked, while washing his hands.

"Er . . .a permission slip that . . ."

"I have to sign, right?"

"Yeah, it's for a dance that's invitation only, and fifth years hardly ever get invited, and it's like a really big deal, and well, can I go? Please?" Harry gave him that sweet innocent look.

"Maybe, when is it?" Sirius held his hand out to see the slip. Harry reluctantly gave it to him. 

~ ** ~ _Permission Slip for Christmas Ball ~ _ ~ **

**_ I allow my child __Harry Potter___ to attend the ___Seventh-Year Christmas Ball__ _ on the ___23rd of Dec. ___, at the ___Three Broomsticks, Hogsmeade___._**

**_ He will be picked up by ______________._**

**_ (Parents' signature) __________________**

****__**_Please note that Harry being a fifth-year, must present this at the door to be allowed entry. _**

"All the professors will be there, and so will a few parents, and . . ."

"I guess it's okay, then," Sirius scribbled his signature on the slip.

"You're totally okay with this?" Harry was astonished, was this the same guy he that had caught him making out that afternoon? Talk about doing a one-eighty. _He must be stoned_.

"Yeah, I was a fifth-year too, once,"Sirius handed back the slip.

"Thanks! You're the best godfather anyone could ask for," Harry grinned as he read Sirius's still glistening signature. "I'll be right back, I just want to put it away."

Sirius laughed to himself when he heard Harry shout "YES!" in the hallway. Harry had the right to a good time, and he was only fifteen right? 

~~~~~~~~~

Alia Drama, aspiring actress, and the girl that worked the counter at StarDoe's Coffee Shop looked up as Sirius Black entered the next day, whistling to himself him, and rolled her eyes. Sirius had asked her out almost every single day. She just couldn't get rid of him, but the other day she had really told him off, and now she realized what she really wanted was for him to ask her out again. _Here he comes looking awfully good today. And I haven't had sex in four months, okay six. Oh, why did I tell him to stop asking me out? Because I'm an idiot. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!!!! _

Little did Alia Drama know that Sirius Black knew exactly what she was thinking. Not just as a figure of speech, but for real. He had really, and truly heard Alia thinking, _Here he comes looking awfully good today. And I haven't had sex in four months, okay six. Oh, why did I tell him to stop asking me out? Because I'm an idiot. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!!!! _Sirius was rather pleased with himself with that thought. 

"Hey Sirius, how's it going?" she asked when he reached the counter.

"Alia, my love," he began. "I won't take no for an answer."

"About what?" she asked.

"About what," Sirius chuckled. "About us."

_ Just don't hurt me, Sirius, I've been hurt too many times._

"I know how it feels, going out with a new person for the first time, there's always that fear of being . . .hurt."

"You're exactly right," Alia smiled. 

"How about if we take it nice, and slow, and see how it goes?"

"Slow is good, slow is really good," Alia nodded. "How about if we could get together tonight, maybe?"

"Sure," Sirius smiled also, _you are too good, Blackie!_

~~~~~~~

Rave Dixon was lost in her work, as usual, when her least favorite person on the face of the Earth walked in. "What's the matter, Black?" _Dixie Avery spotted in Little Hangleton._

"Wow, you're here for five minutes, and it looks like you've been here for years," Sirius surveyed the office that should have been his. "Rave, I know we haven't been the best of friends."

_Did you ever get that right._

"And since we are on the same team, and team members have to trust each other, so I propose . . ."

_Oh, he's proposing so soon?_

"That we work together so that we can capture any Death Eaters that comes our way," Sirius gave her his oh so famous trust me look.

"Okay," Rave wondered, _what's his game? _

"If you're wondering what's my game, there is none, honestly, I just want to help you reel in that big fish, if you permit me who's your whale? The Death Eaters? I heard that Dixie Avery, you know Avery's little sister, was spotted in little Hangleton."

"Yeah, I heard no one knew," Rave raised her eyebrows.

"You knew," Sirius countered.

"I heard no one else knew," Rave lowered her guard. "This is what I heard, Dixie after returning to Voldemort, was told to infiltrate either Diagon Alley, now this girl is hard one to get, she'd be hard for anyone to get, but if we got her . . . she'd be all we'd need. Now no offense, but yesterday you got jumpy talking about the Cavitious curse. Dixie Avery is a hard core Death Eater, and lives by strategies."

"I know that I can do this," Sirius's always scheming brain was already at work.

"Hey, Rave," Dinwiddle walked into Rave's office. "Oh, hi, Sirius. Rave, can you go over these new spells, and tell me what you think of them?"

Rave did a few of the spells, then scowled. _Well, I don't like all this flashy magic, it feels a bit like showing off, it should be a bit more subtle._

"Sirius, you have any ideas?" Dinwiddle asked.

"Sir," Sirius stepped forward. "Don't you think some of these spells are a overdone? Most of the magic is rather, flashy."

"Yeah, I was just thinking that," Rave nodded at Sirius.

"And maybe try making the spells effect very subtle, it would catch the Death Eater more off guard."

"Good idea, Sirius, I'll see what the Creators can do," said Dinwiddle.

_Good idea, Sirius? C'mon Rave say something. _"Er . . .Mr. Dinwiddle," Rave spoke up.

"Yeah, Mr. Dinwiddle, do you want me to check out those spells when the Creators are done with them?" Sirius added, hastily.

"You got it, buddy," Dinwiddle nodded. "Oh, and Sirius, I just got a box of new Maguses in, why don't you stop by later, and we'll talk from what I've heard you might be on to something."

"Cool," Sirius shrugged.

"Great!" Rave chimed in.

"You smoke cigars?" Dinwiddle looked at Rave.

"Ah . . .no," Rave felt herself go red. 

As soon as Dinwiddle left, Rave's secretary came in, "Sirius? You got an owl."

"Thanks, Rave do you mind?"

"No problem." _Who's it from?_

"Harry," Sirius skimmed the letter, than scrawled back a reply.

_Really, how old is he anyway?_

"He's fifteen, staying with me during Christmas break, has a girlfriend that's eighteen."

"And you hate that?" 

"Hate it!" Sirius sent Mercury, (his owl) off with a reply. "But he digs her, and she invited him to the Christmas dance."

"That's nice," Rave batted her eyelashes. _Why does this feel like a date? He needs to go._

"Well, I'm off. Go down town, get into women's head," Sirius left the office. "She won't last a month."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Yeah, but her dress robes are lavender, and mine are bottle green," Harry sighed as he looked through a magazine. "And they have that stain on them."

"When did you become a fashion plate?" Ron asked, exasperated. 

"Shut up Ron," Ginny said. "You're just jealous that you didn't get invited."

"Dark purple would go well though," Hermione flicked through a fashion magazine. "If I was you I'd ask Sirius."

"Ask Sirius what?" Sirius walked into Harry's less then clean room.

"Nothing," Harry slammed the magazine shut.

"Hello, Sirius!" Hermione waved at Sirius. _Your godson needs fashion help! Badly. _

"Hi guys," Sirius acknowledged Hermione, and Ron, but didn't recognize Ginny. 

"This is Ron's sister, Ginny," Harry explained. _Say something, don't just stand there._

_Who's he? _Ginny thought.

"Hi Ginny, I'm Harry's godfather, Sirius," he smiled

_Mr. No Food in the House_, thought Ginny. "Hi!" 

"So what are you guys doing?" Sirius leaned against the door frame.

"Hangin'."

"Chillin'."

"Talking."

"Stuff."

"Oh, Harry, I have a kind of date tonight, but I'll be home early, and if you want, you, guys, can order a pizza, or something there isn't a scrap of food in the joint, and Harry, do you need robes for this dance thing, cause I have tomorrow off, if you like to go for them?"

"Er . . ." Harry faltered, but Ron, Hermione, and Ginny nodded fiercely. Ginny mouthed, 'yes, he does.' Harry glared at them. 

"Harry," Sirius snickered.

"Okay, whatever."

"Whatever as in yes?"

"Yes," Harry allowing himself to smile. "Thanks."

_Sirius is sooo sweet, _Ginny thought.

_I wish my dad would do something like that, _Hermione added.

"Well, it has been nice seeing you, all, again, come over anytime you like," Sirius was feeling very pleased with himself. 

"We will," Ginny grinned. "Love the house."

"Great location," Ron added. 

"Thanks," Sirius said while leaving the friends alone. _That was painless, I think._

~~~~~~~~

**_Later that night . . ._**

Alia slammed Sirius against a wall, and began kissing him, "I'm not usually like this on a first date it's just that it's been so amazing all night."

"Umm," Sirius was enjoying this.

"You've been so sensitive, and understanding, and do you want come up?" _I'm I ready for him to come up? What if he thinks I'm a slut, and never owls me again, or owls me all the time because he thinks he can get whenever he wants? Oh, but he's so incredible, he reminds me of my sister._

"Alia, I'll only come up if you really want me to," Sirius said sympathetically.

"I do!"

  
  


_ (THIS SCENE HAS BEEN EDITED OUT FOR SEXUAL CONTENT, AND BECAUSE IT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL! NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS WARNING. THANK YOU, COREL WORDPERFECT EDITING SERVICES)_

  
  


"'Mazing! Amazing!" Alia screamed as she climbed back onto the bed. "That . . . was so . . .beyond! Beyond! No one's ever been that inside me!"

"Well, I tried," Sirius gasped.

"No more inside my head, like you knew what I wanted, and how I wanted it, oh, my heart. My heart is beating so hard," Alia panted. _Ladies, and gentlemen, Sirius Black is a sex god!_

Once again, an extremely smug smile appeared on Sirius Black's face.

~~~~~~~~~~__

_ **Special Thanks to my reviewers! **_

**_ Trinity Day: That's okay, but check out the movie anyway, because it's very funny._**

**_ Sandra Solaria Dees: You know what happened to me I rented What Women_**__ **_Want, and I ended up writing this fic as soon as the movie ended._**

**_ Tyr's/Harper's tongue friend: Thanks!_**

**_ Starlett Spellman: Sirius is definitely a man's man._**

**_ Padfootsgirl: Thanks for reviewing!_**

**_ jennylovesnick: Thank you! _**

**_ The Dreaded Disclaimer- I don't own HP, or What Women Want, Emeril, or Corel WordPerfect but I do own everything else. _**

**_ In case you're wondering Sirius can't hear what Harry's thinking, but I thought I'd put Harry's thoughts in there just for fun._**

**_Please review, but don't flame because my air conditioner is broken, and won't be fixed till Monday, and it's going to be a long hot weekend. *puppy dog eyes*_**


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